Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
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I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
This was the best day of my life
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.