@NightValeRadio: Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How's work? You look great. You want some tea?
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@slimmy_shady: I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
@mattgallo123: The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
@sweetmissashley: Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I'd be obsessed with you too.
@kyle_thatisall: Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn't think she needed a nap either.