Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
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A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Still a very good boi….
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
subtitles are so good nowadays
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous