*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
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“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it