@jeffswarens: Talking on your cell during church isn't good, but if you use blue tooth hands free they just think you've got the spirit.
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@thepunningman: Boss: Isn't your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move? Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I'm talking about
@david8hughes: [phone rings] "Mr Hughes?" "Yeah." "We need u to come pick yr son up from school." "Ugh. Whats he done now?" "Nothing. Its nearly midnight."
@neiltyson: The perennially hyped name "Super Moon" insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
@RainbowJohnJ: *addresses the elephant in the room* *puts a stamp on the elephant in the room* "My pen pal is gonna love this."