*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
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The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise