[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
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Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
i made a craigslist ad !
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.