[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
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4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
They got a point!
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
The real reason evolution started..😂
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email