[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
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The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.