[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
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To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
My new favorite headline
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*