You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
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If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Brands during Pride
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?