Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
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The booster protects against what, now?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
reviewed some movies recently
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right