Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
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“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
we’re gonna need another temp
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.