[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
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Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”