[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
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When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts