[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
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If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire