alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
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[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I think my mom just blocked me
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Sharon, call the vet
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
every single time
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.