MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
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Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”