[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
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Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.