[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
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When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that