Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
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Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”