[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
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If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
How it started: How it’s going:
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Guys, I found it.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again