[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
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Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
This classic never gets old . . .
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Dietest Coke
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.