Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
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me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I’m crying im so happy for them
Are you a cat person or a person person?
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers