I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
just pretend nothing happened
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
The dark side of Canada
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”