this will hang in the louvre one day
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ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Meow
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Am getting real tired of your crap…
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid