I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
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To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I needed a laugh this morning.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”