[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
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any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.