[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
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Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Banana is the quietest snack
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Oh my god
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Hey i am sexy to you now
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
New Tinder profile.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped