[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
You Might Also Like
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.