Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
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Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
everyone has that one prude friend
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.