Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
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Seas the day!!!!
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.