TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
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5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
FRED: right
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!