Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
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It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark