Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
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sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
no such thing as a dumb question
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.