@bdbdleeroybrown: Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
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@AristotlesNZ: Whenever I'm picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell "Come with me if you want to live!" so she knows she married pure awesomeness
@iwearaonesie: wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this me: Tastes like hand sanitizer wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer? me: Yeah wife me wife me: Why?
@Ophoenix1: I've been watching the Crime Investigation channel all day. Murder just seems like the easiest way to solve your problems.
@tylerschmall: Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.