Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
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My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*