@SomeChrisTweets: Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
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@sofarrsogud: ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed? VICTIM: No ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
@Chumpstring: [sinking ship] CAPTAIN: dammit RAT: i'm leaving CAPTAIN: i'm staying CAPTAIN'S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i'm excited to see how this plays out
@djdarrellripley: I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life... Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
@mrtruthandsoul: No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they're gonna die and I can save them.