Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
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Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.