Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
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Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.