*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
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I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.