*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
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A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on