I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
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She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.