Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
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Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo