Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
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‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Smile they said.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
reminder
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.