Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
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Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
This why you should mind your business
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.