TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
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Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.