@alispagnola: Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you're better off staying home with no pants on.
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@david8hughes: God: Noah, I need an ark. Noah: Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter? God: Uh [huge grin] cos I'm banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
@StephanieOKC: Someone needs to tell Madonna you can't call it "Girls Gone Wild" when you're a 100.
@TheMichaelRock: Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.
@ericsshadow: [6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight [11:00pm] yay i did it! [11:01pm] *preheats oven*