Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
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The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
HOW DARE YOU
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not