@alispagnola: Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you're better off staying home with no pants on.
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@shegotagronk: Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said "Oh look, 12 new followers!"
@ch000ch: "My fellow Americans-" Barack "we are working tirelessly-" Sir "to make sure-" Barack. You're still wearing ur xbox headset
@MondayPajamas: *cleaning out wallet* Wife: Why don't you just buy a new one? Me: What? This thing's practically brand new *finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*