Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
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Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
This is my emotional support knife.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then