Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
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Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Natty or not?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?