[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
You Might Also Like
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping