[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
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[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.